STUFF: DEADENDING
BY PATRICK KELLER

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So they've canceled your favorite title. Those bastards. Sure, your first inclination is to call down a nuclear strike on the entire eastern seaboard, but alas, you're not going to be President for another 30 days. It's okay! Don't panic. Have a donut.

The first thing to do is understand the feelings you're going through and how to cope with them. Everyone has had these feelings at one time or another; it doesn't mean you're naughty or bad. No, you're naughty and bad for entirely separate reasons that we won't get into here. Instead, let's look at what is probably happening to you right now.

Your first reaction will be DENIAL. "It's not canceled! It's not! It's just a rumor. Oh, please, for the love of god," you cry to the heavens, "please let it not be true. Why, oh why? WWWHHHYYY?" Take some deep breaths. Drink some water. Some people find it relaxing at this stage to dress up like Cher and become a contestant in a local drag show. Whatever works for you.

Once you're calm, get your facts absolutely straight. Did this cancellation notice come from an official source. As a refresher, "official sources" include, but are not strictly limited to, the comic company that publishes the title in question, a creator of said series and the FBI or CIA. Sources that are not official include the guy working the register at your local, your stoner friend Bob, and your neighbor's Labrador retriever, the one that tells you to stalk Jon Bon Jovi.

If your rumor is confirmed, you may feel yourself moving on to the second stage, ANGER. There are, of course, acceptable and unacceptable ways of expressing anger.

Acceptable:
Black armbands
Primal scream therapy
Juggling

Unacceptable:
The "Macarena"
Punching strangers in the groin
Assassinating John Cecil

This is only a partial list. Come up with your own and compare with friends. Then beat them mercilessly and mock their belief systems.

Once the anger passes, you will find yourself BARGAINING with anyone and everyone in an attempt to save or revive your title. This is the stage where letter campaigns are organized, crappy Geocities appeals ("Sign Our Petition to Save Disco Batman From Cancellation!") are generated, and things generally go all willy-nilly. If by some miracle, your campaign is successful, good for you! You may now sit back and bask in the glow of a job well done. Unfortunately, statistics show that only 36% of campaigns to bring back an already canceled title are successful. The numbers are significantly lower for titles starring or co-starring primates.

During this phase, it is vitally important to remember not to exchange sexual favors for promises from editors for stays of execution for your title. Editors are notoriously wily folk who will promise anything for a hummer. So don't do this, unless you really want to, or you're married to the editor, or if you'd someday like to.

Should your efforts fail and/or you contract a social disease, it is now time to move on to DEPRESSION. During this phase, you will find yourself unable to get pleasure from your normal everyday activities. Yes, even watching cockfights or a few rounds of midget bowling might fail to raise you from your misery. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about this stage but wait and pray that God ends your miserable life with a swift, painless bolt of lightning.

Should He fail to answer your call for the release of sweet, sweet death, eventually (after approximately 2-3 years) you will move on to the final stage, CRIPPLING SOCIAL RETARDATION when you realize that you've just spent a chunk of your life mourning fictional characters. Way to go, jerkwad!

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Cheat Codes for Popular Comic-Related Video Games

Superman (for Nintendo 64)
Hold Left+B+B+B - "One-Legged Pirate" Superman
Left+R+C down+Up - "Hit You In The Groin" Superman
Up+Up+Up, A+R+L+B - Game doesn't suck.

X-Men Vs. Street Fighter (PlayStation)
Up+Down+Triangle - "All New, All Gay" X-Men
Square(x3)+Up+Down+Circle+Right+Left+Circle(x12)
+Square+Triangle(x3)+Up (Hold for 3.5 seconds)+Down
+Down - 3% Power Boost
Down(x45, at credits screen) - "Extra Grim" Wolverine

Spider-Man (PS, Nintendo 64)
To unlock hidden characters, enter the following names on Cheats screen:
WHOOPS - Spider-Fetus
FCUK - Captain Britain
MRKTNOSDVE - Stan Lee
CRUD - "Dies After One Punch" Spider-Man
KYJLLY - Paste Pot Pete
OWWWW - "Pulled Groin" Spider-Man
KLLYRPRNTS - Mephisto
GLDNSHOWR - The Whizzer
EPLPTCSEZUR - "Strobe Light" Spider-Man

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