Dear Stars of the TV Show Ed:
It has come to our attention here at SAVANT that some of the stars
of your show, and a maybe even a few of the producers, are apparently
big fans of ours. Never mind how we found out. It's not very important.
Frankly, we find the whole thing a little awkward and confusing. What's
done is done, right? No point in continually bringing it up, especially
since Cecil has to live with that scar.
But, seriously, we were very excited to hear, since we here at SAVANT
happen to be very big fans of yours. All of us. BIIIIG fans. Why,
Fraction is notorious for blocking out large periods of his Wednesdays
just to watch your show. He has an entire pre-show ritual, a "Pre-Ed
Cleansing," that he insists on going through, or he gets cranky
and doesn't eat for a week. Matt reschedules entire days around this,
skipping work and social engagements, largely because he has to drive
to Kansas to get the required petrochemicals and fetish garb. Alec
used to be a fan, and probably will be again when he re-learns to
operate a remote control. And by now you probably know about Dave's
unhealthy fixation with the heavyset woman.
Anyway, the point is that we love the show here at SAVANT. And why
wouldn't we? The show ("Ed") has a lot in common
with us ("SAVANT"). It's a forward-thinking, progressive
show, full of bright, intelligent and, yes, damned handsome people
intent upon making a difference in their little corner of the world.
Sure, some of us are "quirky. " Some of us are "a little
off" or "different" or "infectious." Some
of us "have trouble maintaining an erection without the aid of
violent electrical shocks." Why, we're practically family!
It's good to know that you, Powerful Hollywood Stars of Today, enjoy
a good sequential art read and are interested in the salvation of
the comic book industry. Or perhaps you just enjoy passionate, creative
and intelligent writing. So, as luck would have it, do we. Wish we
could get some around here! Ha ha! But I kid.
The question now becomes, why do we, the producers of the fine "zine"
that you hold in your finely manicured hands bring this fact up, in
front of everyone? What do we hope to gain from announcing your patronage
to the world? A risky venture, we admit, as it could easily come off
as bravado and alienate the very people we set out to engender ourselves
to. And that, we confess, is the very reason we mention it. We know
you like us. How much do you like us? Enough to let us tour the set?
A little reward for all our hard (and, we should mention, pro bono)
work? We'd love a chance to see the courtroom where the brave and
righteous Ed tries his cases every week. Or bowl a game on the very
lanes that Phil waxes lovingly each night after Stuckey Bowl closes.
Or get the hand lovin' from that hottie Carol, just like Kenny did
in that one episode.
Okay, okay. We're just kidding. Honest.
But since we're there, why not let us, you know, walk in the background
of a scene. What a thrill! We could be on TV! Maybe one of us could
wear one of our keen SAVANT shirts, you know, help spread the message
to the world. No harm in that, right? We would even bring handmade
SAVANT shirts for the entire cast and crew as a thank you.
Or, hell, if you really wanted to get the message out, you could do
a "Very Special Ed" (I LOVE those!) where a crazed
-- yet lovable -- writer for a zine streaks the halls of Stuckeyville
High to spread his inspirational message of hope and love. And while
Ed is vigorously preparing a brilliant defense, his unrequited love
Carol falls for the rugged ZineBoy. And she gives him the hand love.
Now, I know the censors are a bit touchy about that sort of thing,
but if we shot it artistically and insisted that it was integral to
the plot, well, who could say no?
Come on, you know you want to. And I know exactly who should play
ZineBoy:
I nominate Cecil. Guy's hung like a horse.
Sincerely,
Patrick Keller
SAVANT
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