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START // 12.05.02

ONLY WHEN I TRAVEL
By Alasdair Stuart

As I write this, I'm about fifty miles outside Newcastle on a GNER direct service from Edinburgh to York. The last two days have been spent with some old school friends and have consisted of:

  • Walking through the Edinburgh countryside loudly bemoaning the total lack of open pubs and taxis.
  • Watching tv into the early hours of the morning.
  • And drinking way too much coffee. It's been great.

But now, I'm on a train on the way back and I'm bored. The trip up was fine, a blast in fact. I got the new train (There's only one in this country, you have to take turns) so it was clean, fast and had a radio in every seat and a mains socket for a phone or mobile. Needless to say, I was impressed.

The trip back is going less well. Having had my turn on the new train I'm now on an old rickety piece of crap. It rattles, it's cold and there's no coffee. I've finished reading KISSING CHAOS and GHOST BEYOND EARTH, have hit a rich vein of maths in the CRYPTONOMICON and have planned out my next ten pieces of writing.

So I'm bored. And you know what I could really do with?

Comics.

Think about it. The journey I'm currently on is tiny (Two and a half hours) but the bottom line is…it's dull. I've done everything I need to do, there's no food or drink and with it being England, in winter, the view outside looks like this:

Streetlights

Darkness

Nothing else.

So I want to read something. Something that isn't too demanding, isn't too damn long and which basically, will keep me entertained for 10-15 minutes at a time.

Sound like anything we know?

Ladies and gentlemen I think I've found the final logical habitat of the superhero comic. Think about it, this is the perfect environment for pop culture entertainment, especially with everyone from here to Mombasa being aware of SPIDER-MAN's existence and/or owning the bloody thing on DVD. We're at a level of cultural saturation approaching that of the first BATMAN movie and, like it or not, superheroes are something that everyone recognizes.

Why has no one talked to these people? Think about it, why hasn't anyone dumped issues of ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN on Virgin Trains? I was subjected to the horror that was Dick and Dom on the radio and trust me folks, ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN is Tolstoy compared to them. More importantly, it's bright colored, fun and is a known quantity.

And it doesn't have to end there, in fact it shouldn't. There's no reason why Y-THE LAST MAN isn't in business class, hell, no reason why the office comics that AsiaPac Books produces aren't there. Or Martin Rowson's graphic novel of THE WASTELAND. Or PEACH GIRL. Or GLOBAL FREQUENCY. Or HAMMER OF THE GODS or any of a dozen titles, at LEAST that make perfect 'fire and forget' reading.

Why has no one made this call yet? Or the same call but to bus companies? Taxi firms? Shipping lines? There is no reason on GOD'S GREEN EARTH why I should be comic-less, coffee-less AND trapped on the outskirts of York in a train moving at a little under walking speed.

The economic outlay is tiny for a national firm, especially given the inevitable incentives any retailer would offer and the effect would be both instant and impressive. Something no other company does, that doesn't cost a bunch and raises the public profile which every single solitary transport company in this godforsaken country could do with right now.

It's not even like it's an endless process. From where I'm standing, the chain looks like this:

1. RETAILER talks to PR DIRECTOR and/or HUMAN RESOURCES director at train company.

2. RETAILER sends out sample pack of stuff, including prices, recommended titles for various ages and discount scheme if applicable.

3. TRAIN COMPANY says Yes or No.

That simple. If they say no you've lost nothing and you've got some info pre-packed for the next guy. You say yes and you're on a winner.

This needs to be done if nothing else to find out whether it CAN be done. Which means I need to make some phone calls.

In fact, everyone does. After all, you the consumer have the inalienable right to provide feedback on your travel experience. For example, if you were to drop your local transport company a line listing:

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN
LIBERTY MEADOWS
HEROBEAR & THE KID

And explaining what they are, why they'd be perfectly suited to waiting rooms/departure
lounges/train carriages and, even better, the number of the local comic shop you'd be doing a hugely impressive piece of mental judo. Give them all the information they need and the onus is on them to say 'yes' or 'no'. There's no guarantee the answer will be yes, but you never know until you try.

So why not try?


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