EXTRA: STAN LEE-- EXPOSED!
BY PATRICK KELLER

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Excerpts from Larry King Live, with special guest Stan Lee.

LARRY KING, HOST: Tonight, dogs and luggage -- what's the connection? We'll hear from award-winning author of SS Phone Home: the Alien/Nazi Conspiracy and defensive coordinator of the St. Louis Rams, Ann-Margret, as well as Nobel Prize-winning creator of Yahtzee and owner of the sexiest gams in show biz, Barry Took. But first, the creative force behind some of the world's best known superheroes, Stan "The Man" Lee joins us in Los Angeles. They're all next on Larry King Live.

[Commercial for "Preparation H."]

KING: We're back with Stan Lee. Hello, Stan.

STAN LEE: Greetings, Larry!

KING: Your most famous character -- we'll deal with what you're doing now in cyberspace and the like later -- is Plastic Man, right?

LEE: No, no, Spider-Man.

KING: Spider-Man. Did you have Plastic Man, too?

LEE: No, that was DC.

KING: So, tell me about Plastic Man.

LEE: Well, Larry, he's not one of my characters. He's a very fine character, I'm sure, but I had nothing to do with him.

KING: He's all stretchy. Did you base that on your desire to be taller?

LEE: What? I'm perfectly happy being the height that I am.

KING: So where did the name come from? You could have just as easily called him "Stretchy Man."

LEE: Larry, listen, I didn't create Plastic Man--

KING: Stretchystretchystretchy...

LEE: --I have no idea where the name came from.

KING: You just pulled it out of the air then, huh?

LEE: No, someone at DC did.

KING: So you stole the idea from him, then?

LEE: What? I didn't steal anything.

KING: So you're emphatically denying the story that you stole the idea for this character from DC?

LEE: What story? I never said I created Plastic Man, Larry.

KING: I see. It sounds like quite the controversy. Have you considered suing? I know lots of lawyers.

LEE: Suing? It hardly seems worth a lawsuit. There's no contention here.

KING: So you've just given up on ownership of the character? How does it feel to lose a creation like that? Is there any bitterness towards DC?

LEE: No, no, not at all. I'm going to be doing a series of books for them in the coming year, in fact.

KING: With Plastic Man?

LEE: No. With all sorts of different heroes. You know, like Superman and Wonder Woman.

KING: I see. Where did you get the idea for those characters, Stan?

LEE: What? I never said I did. Those aren't my characters, Larry.

KING: So you stole them as well? How do you get away with stealing so many characters like that?

LEE: I didn't steal them, Larry! They gave them to me.

KING: Ah. So, have you ever come up with any original ideas of your own, or do you pretty much just take everything from other people?

LEE: Larry, you're not listening to me. I don't steal anything. I collaborate with artists.

KING: Is that what you call it?

LEE: Call what?

KING: "Collaborate." I see. Well, you say "tomahto," I say "blatant artistic theft."

LEE: Larry, are you on drugs?

KING: Never touch the stuff, Stan. And neither should you.

LEE: ...

KING: Is drug use integral to your "collaborations"? Is that how you get the people at DC to just give you these characters?

LEE: What? That's absurd, Larry!

KING: So you're denying that the staff of DC comics are a bunch of doped-up hippies?

LEE: Larry, you're twisting my words.

KING: The comic business sounds like a pretty decadent place, Stan. Drug use, intellectual theft. Prostitution?

LEE: Absolutely not!

KING: Not even a little?

LEE: Larry! I came on here to talk about my new Internet comic venture, not to have my words twisted--

KING: BOISE, Idaho! Caller, YOU'RE on the AIR with Stan LEE!

CALLER: Larry! I love your show. I'm not allowed to change the channel. I think your suspenders are funny.

KING: Thank you very much, caller. My wife picks them out for me.

CALLER: But Stan, I used to be such a big fan, man, but now Larry has shown me the truth! You're nothing but a common... guy who steals things! You suck!

LEE: But--

KING: Insightful call, wouldn't you say, Mr. Lee?

LEE: Well, no--

KING: Did you switch to the Internet because all of your illegal practices were starting to catch up with you? Is the comic industry on to your little tricks?

LEE: What? Please! I've had enough. Think what you want, Larry. I'm leaving. This is... How do I get out of here? Where's the door?

KING: You heard it here, folks... The comic industry, rife with theft, drug use and prostitution. Are you sure you want your your kids reading this stuff? Comic books: Scourge of youth and corrupter of the innocent. Stan Lee: Drug pusher, thief, pimp. After this commercial... John Tesh speaks out on the Mob presence in the New Age music industry. I'm Larry King, and this is me, Live!

Note: Several of these lines were taken from an actual Larry King Live program originally broadcast on July 8, 2000. Can you guess which ones, kids? The rest of the interview is... um, "extrapolated" (not to be confused with "collaborated").

(c) 2000 Patrick Keller, Gern Blansten Productions.